Picture this… we’re travelling to visit family, the baby is screaming in the back seat, and the odor clueing us into the cause of the screaming is beginning to hang heavily in the car. We go through the drive-thru of a restaurant, and pull into a parking lot. While I try to eat my lunch quickly so that I can continue driving, my wife changes our screaming child’s dirty diaper in the back seat. I should also mention that our dog is in the front seat, curious and pacing. A smile comes over my face as I look at the drama unfolding in the back seat and I think to myself, I Can’t Believe This Is My Life.
After nearly five years of fertility struggles and the tragic loss of our little boy, I wasn’t certain of how this reality would ever arrive. In the Bible, Ephesians 3:20 (New Living Translation) says, “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Because of this verse, and many others, I absolutely trusted that God had a plan to add children into our family, but I had no idea of how he would accomplish this, in my eyes, monumental task.
Today, on my daughter’s first birthday, I am in awe of the “infinitely more.”
I knew that I wanted to be a dad… and I knew that my wife was born to be a mother. I knew that the roller coaster of infertility was absolutely no fun at all, and that the hardship, heartache, and strain it caused wasn’t something I’d wish on anyone else. I knew that the loss of our son was a terrible thing.
But I certainly didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know how much my heart would open, and change, as loved and cared for my child, providing for each of her (many) needs. I didn’t know how much I would be expected to give. I didn’t know how much I would to want to serve my family. I didn’t know how I would long to see my child thrive and pray for her life, her future.
So as I sat in the front seat smelling that awful smell and rushing to eat my lunch, all of the things I thought I knew colliding with all of the things that are, the awe and wonder of the incredible blessings that God has lavished upon me brought a smile to my face and joy, peace, and faith into my heart. As I quickly recalled the past year, and the 40 weeks of anticipating her birth, I was, and still am, in shock. I Can’t Believe This Is My Life. This is what I wanted, but I couldn’t truly imagine what it would be like. And I couldn’t even begin to imagine that it would be this good… and so much better than I imagined.
If this all sounds a little too perfect… rest assured, life is still messy. I can still be not-so-nice to my wife, I don’t always smile when I smell those smells, and I don’t always offer to get up early with our little girl on Saturday mornings. I also don’t spend most days with stars in my eyes as I relish all of the greatness of being a husband and father. But my heart has changed, and it continues to change, and as I recognize some things that God has taught me along this journey. I truly desire to continue in that growth. Some things that I’ve learned, specifically:
- Life is hard. We rarely know the full extent of what others are going through. We need each other, but we also have to be sensitive to what others are going through.
- Life is messy. We can’t expect to get it right all the time, nor should we expect others to always measure up to our standards.
- I’m not in control. I might think that I am, but I’m not. God is. I have to trust, and to choose to trust, so that my own plans don’t hinder all that He has to offer.
- It’s not all bad. Even when things seem, feel, look, and are confirmed to be terrible… it’s not all bad. Beauty can come from ashes, and, often, if we’ll open our eyes and look around, we’ll recognize how God has blessed, and protected us, even in the midst of the storm.
- Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. I can sit down and wallow in self-pity, self-doubt, self-whatever… or I can stand up, dust myself off (sometimes with the help of others), and take the first step, and then the next. Never ignoring the past, but choosing to move forward, I can gain traction and momentum as I pursue whatever is next.
None of us are actually living the life we would plan, orchestrate, or imagine. It may be close and we may be on, or off, target from many of the hopes and dreams we have, but there are, and always will be, changes, detours, and alterations along the way. I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on your life. I Can’t Believe This Is My Life can be stated in a variety of tones. I hope that you can truly say I Can’t Believe This Is My Life in a tone of wonder, awe, excitement, and joy. If that’s hard for you, or if you’re not there yet, I pray that you’d seek out a wise friend, a trusted family member, or maybe even a counselor, to help you find hope and healing from whatever is keeping you from experiencing the “infinitely more” that God wants for you.
Filed under: Baby, Child, Future, Grief, Hope, Loss, Marriage, Relationships, Success
